Because Kindness
November 27, 2019- DEVABILITY
As I sit here to write this, I am overwhelmed with emotion. A older black man, gifted me $20 for no reason, other than listening to Spirit.
I was at the grocery store, just to buy a gallon of water and since it’s the holiday (Thanksgiving) tomorrow, “everyone“ is in a more positive frame of mind. He noticed me buying water and I think it concerned him. So he extended kindness to and my daughter and lets be real right now in our lives, we need the help.
Since leaving an abusive relationship- once and for all, I have been drowning under the weight of “Single Motherhood“. I already did one round of homeless shelter life and getting the baby in childcare, and finding a good job to get to financial stability,
but after my time was up at the shelter in San Francisco, I was inspired to take that as a opportunity to give staying with my childs father another chance.
I know,dumb as fuck.
However, I really thought after the pointless court battles, all the money lost and the stress caused,that we both had grown into mature adults, able to properly coparent our child. He told me how he had been going to therapy and making all these changes and that he was “sick of seeing his child struggling“ and wanted at LEAST, to have us not homeless, so he encouraged me, as well to use the opportunity to leave San Francisco, come back to LA and just live with him again. No strings attached.
“It’s just too expensive!!“
And I mean, True, but I loved San Francisco… I loved the air, the fog, the nature, the magic. I loved the artisian coffee, and by coffee I mean Oatmylk lattes that were basically $6.
(My favorite was the Rose Latte from Philiz coffee, creamy & sweet with Pink Rose cream on top- simply DIVINE)
I loved being surrounded by fun, eceletic people who all were “artsy“ and “weird“ in the best ways, I loved taking a 15 Muni ride to FIshermans Wharf. I loved being surrounded by various ethicities of people, and spending my free time exposing my daughter to various Indigenous and Asian cultures and cuisine.
But San Francisco is completely unsustainable for a single parent that ISN’T Rich. Finding an apartment with a credit score less than 700 means you wont get approved anywhere, no matter how much you make. The homeless assistance is probably the absolute best in the Nation, if not the world, but “helping people“ has become such a big business within itself, so at this point, actually helping you truly be self sufficent , is not the actual priority. I just knew after having a good job at MOHCD that after I saved up for move in costs ,I could find a place even if it had to be a box! But I was still wrong.
I one place, literally the size of 2 Queen sized materesses in length , one window, and shared community bathroom- and no kitchen, was for $900/ a month- and I still didnt get approved for it. I knew at that moment of rejection, that There was no way for me to get into my ownplace in SF or the Bay area and I would need to move… but to where?
Before this I had been mostly living in Los Angeles the past 3 years- (minus the 15 months I spent on a wild goose chase for my daughter Pharaoh, I lived in Las Vegas, Florida, and Georgia until I was court ordered to come back to LA to go to court over custody of my child.) LA has been my home,plus it IS affordable, especially in comparision to SF. I , of course, have considered going to the south, but 1. I have to go to court first to get permission to go- and 2.I NEED A CAR. I grew up in the south and struggled so much just because I never got a car. Living in major cities has nulled the reason for a car so since prior to even being parent I lived in San Francisco for 3 years just fine without one.
But now as a parent- I have to get my life together at the most basic level:
- HAVING A CAR
-HAVING SHELTER
But I digess, the point is, after moving back in with my ex proved to being a huge catastophe, including police calls, cps calls and a restaining order
- me and my child were homeless and starting over- ALL OVER AGAIN!!
But I guess it took that level of bullshit for me to realize that abusers and monsters like him- never actually change, at least not for the people that have seen their true ugliness. I had always had the flaw of being overly forgiving but I finally learned my lesson. Even if he does change- I never want anything to do with him or people like him.
But needless to say, I’ve been through A LOT.
I have seeked affections from people I wanted to be friends with, only for them to neglect me or rejected me. I had seen and been apart of groups of people who I loved, as friends, family and comrades who have either had to let me go, or I’ve had to let them go. I have gained friends, I have lost even more.I have had alliances, I treasured, dissolve within my hands due to uncompatiblity, miscommunications and jealously. Which all broke my heart, but I wasn’t in the position to defend myself, I have way too much going on in my life already. if it’s not about Love and Peace and don’t give a fuck about it and I’m not going to apologize for that.
I have been misunderstood my entire life, and at this point I just withdraw. It’s not like I’m not a excellent debater or fact prover, but it’s because I’M TIRED!!
I’m tired of devoting myself to people and things outside of myself that don’t yeild any benefitcal returns! I’m sick of being a battery for everyone else and their causes, all while neglecting my own Mission and goals, all while I fake humble, just to make others feel more comfortable about their own skills. Dimming my light so others can shine and moreso, so I can be left alone!
I’M SICK !
I don’t want attention on me, especially when I’m not strong!
The truama that I have been carrying on my back has finally broken me. My health is failing, and my body physcially is falling apart due to stress and unresloved and unrelenting traumas. Everyday my anxiety and depression eat away at me from the inside out. My self worth and self esteem has been shattered by my life circumstances and heartbreaks and everyday I wonder if my daughter would be better off with anyone else as her mother, other than me.
Then it happened.
A Crisis.
On top of everything the money the state was supposed to give me for the next 2 weeks- never happened and me and my daughter where going to be on the streets with no where to go. It was a friday too and the government office didnt open up again until monday morning.
I was supposed to check out of my Airbnb that morning, and he let me leave my things to go get my money to book another place, at the latest I should be loading up my uber at maybe 3pm ish.
but here came 5pm and no money had been loaded on my card from the state. I posted a sad rant on my Facebook page.
Something I swore to never do again .
(in 2017 when my ex took my child and I needed help, I had so many people saying I was “making up a sob story that wasn’t true” when my online friends where the only friends i had. I was a very isolated Stay At Home Mom. So my online life, was my only means of communication with the outside world and on my end was 100% real and authentic. Those comments crushed my spirit completely and to be honest I have been very silent about sharing any vulernabilities at all because of how truamatic the entire experience was. My heart had given up on kindess completely after that, so I had mostly been struggling in silence and with a very small number of people who I have learned to trust.)
So with no other options I got 100% transparent with my homelessness struggle, Online. Outloud and clear and to be honest I didn’t expect anyone to help me. My birthday was just the day before the incident and I made a post about cashapp but no one donated anything, and it hurt me because me and my baby didnt have any food, but I guess it was my fault for not being clear about how I really needed help. lol
Im the type of person that I’m not going to ask for something or even HINT at asking for something if it wasn’t a SERIOUS NEED, but I guess also I genuinely don’t know how to ask for help.
luckily however, later that evening my cousin sent money to my cash app as a birthday gift! She didn’t have any idea but that she saved us. I was grateful I didn’t have to go public with my deepst shame, however that only lasted a day.
THE NEXT DAY,
October 4th was the Crisis, I was forced to be completely open on what was happening to me. I couldn’t let shame,pride or embrassment stop my child from the possibility of shelter. What happened next, honestly changed my entire life and outlook on humanity, kindness and doing good by people. As Tarot reader and Mystic my “job“ is to help people,and at LEAST be kind, or funny and share some joy with them as I can.
The biggest reason I’m a truly compassionate and kind hearted person, is because I’ve been victimized by some of the most cruel, evil and malicous hating people on the planet- that I have done no wrong to!
I see that these people are damaged and just lashing out and for SOME REASON, I’ve been relentlessly preyed upon for being compassionate, kind, and understanding. I have spent my whole life being terrorized by others due to jealously, envy, miscommunication, depression, being highly sensitive person (HSP). I overflow with Love, because it is what I have desired most, and because I suffer and have suffered so much I understand pain and suffering and I just try to do my best to give others hope through my own acts of love, kindness, inspiring word and my readings.
I know fundamentally, as human beings, we all just need love, validation and compassion, so I embody that as much as I can! I literally have the Eye to see The Best of EVERY PERSON, so I live my life seeing everyones Best- even when they don’t operate in Their Best Selves. I can look at someone and just KNOW their issues and WHAT THEY NEED. and I try my best to give it to them, to encourage them to keep going!
I know to those hardened by life, I come off as just “too friendly“ or “too nice“ but to be honest until realizing many people in my past where full blown narcissists, I was extremely naive to the cruelity of this world. I was naive to how deeply others had been wounded by Life.
I assumed that since I have carried so much truama and pain and was still able to be Kind and open hearted, I just didn’t understand why people who have sooooo much more blessings and opportunities in their lives, than me were still unhappy ,cruel , mean and even suicidial ! It was astonishing!
I’ve been financially crippled due to single motherhood and no support system But I still was faithful about showing kindness and love. Life is truamatizing AF- show love! But usually others don’t.
but that old perspective died on October 4th. When I finallyasked for help during this Crisis and I got it.
I cry all over again with gratitude everytime I think about it.
21 people donated to me and over 30 reached out to me with encouragement, resources or just to share with me how they overcame similar.
I have NEVER, in my entire life, been these supported by anyone. EVER.
I’ve been on my own since 17, I’ve always done things the “right way“ and its honestly has gotten me nothing but used and hurt and then discarded. Over the years I started to withdraw and keep everything to myself because I really believed in my core, no one cares about me, and no one believes in me.
Oct.4. 2019 forced to me realize that at least 50 actual human being give a fuck about me. and my daughters life and it changed my mindset eternally.
I had to face and realize that, I don’t have the perfect body or mind I once had, I dont have the most beautiful material things anymore ( I was a very financally spoiled stay at home mom) I literally dont have much anymore , from living out on one suitcase of clothes for the past 2 years now (half of which is the baby’s clothes ) I have been down to “nothing“. Everyday I get discrimmiated against for beign poor, black and a woman with a child and no support or husband. But Everyone who helped us during that crisis, taught me that when Spirit walks with you, Spirit will always call various people to come assist you when you need it. God is Real, Goddess is REAL!
I cannot make up the things I have experienced. i had to shift my thinking OVERNIGHT from that of being a loser and sad and depressed, to being encouraged, to keep fighting for financial freedom and abundance for me and my daughter! I had the power of belief now to completely BANISH those thoughts of negativity from my life once and for all. The funny thing for me was I have been doing deep healing work on myself since Sepetember, I felt like I had literally finally shifted into a new paradigm, a new reality where people DO in fact, care about me, But I had to start that process within myself FIRST! I had to start being kind to Me, FUNDAMENTALLY!
BECAUSE of KINDESS, I am still here and always ready to fight for my Best Life.
Because of Kindness I have full faith in my own destiny my own story,
to bravely shine alongside of all those of us , working to assist the elevation of The Collective.
Because of Kindness me and my daughter were able to have shelter
Because, Kindness…
was the last thing I was missing- for myself.
because of my failures and heartbreaks and constantly being treated as worthless, I didnt realize that, that core negative belief I had, I had been treating myself in that same way. Through the way I treated my body via my food addictions, and addictions to distractions, addictions to giving away love hoping to get it back , and the Best Reflectors just reflected that back to me full force. Constantly ghosting me, scamming me emotionally, leeching off my light because I wasnt that commited to it in the first place.
Many of us are bitter and angry because we NEED kindness, and arent getting it, but there is also,if we evaluate, we will realize that we likely haven’t been so kind to ourselves first, and people are just reflecting that back to us.
I’m writing this to share this testimonal with You All, to remind you to BE KIND, to yourself, your childen and even strangers. Be kind to your friends, family and honestly be kind to your enemies too.
LIfe is Traumatic for all of us, and we all experience various degrees of bullshit from others based on a lack of kindness we have towards ourselves, or lack of kindess we have towards others.
#MirrorUniverse
Stop expecting Kindness from the world when you arent even kind, to You.
I know Thanksgiving has a fucked up Start, but the Winter holidays are the only time of year people are consciously and subconsciously in better spirits, (or worse depending on what they are going through) but overall people are more kind, compassionate and friendly.
One day I hope the we will realize that we can be kind 100% of the time and 100% of the year.
-Deva