ABUNDANCE

November 5, 2018

ABUNDANCE

I have been thinking about my past a lot lately. Thinking about how simple minded I was about my goals hopes and my dreams. When I was a kid my 1st dream was to create video games but after a few years of first person shooter games overtaking roleplaying/ adventure games I laid that dream to rest and created a new dream to live in Japan and be a manga artist.

Growing up anime and manga was the love of my life and that is what I wanted to do. However  that all changed when the reality of My Situation really started to affect everything in my life including my dreams. The first part of my dream in Action was to go to Art school and be the best (Because Pokemon DUH ) I failed over 6 times over a course of 6 YEARS chasing the 1st step in my dream to be a manga-ka, a college education.

I became overcome with crippling failure and depression, why isn’t this working? Why isn’t The Plan working? IT wasn’t until I was in my late  twenties and had the realization ,Simply put, it was because it was because I was impoverished.

I thought I was just a typical  “Struggling College Student ” but I really wasn’t.

Most students even the ones who considered themselves a struggling college student, never went without a meal, and could always call their parents or a relative to send them money- even if they were hell bent against it- and any emergencies that would come up even if it came with a lecture- it would be taken care of.

But for me my reality was completely different.

I actually didn’t have any resources outside of my job. If I didn’t work I couldn’t pay my rent aka I would be homeless and if I was homeless I had NOWHERE to go. No family or friends to turn to. So as much as my teachers and advisors would tell me to make school my NUMBER 1 priority- MY SURVIVAL was always my number 1 priority.

I was working full-time and going to school full-time and For the way I learn I haven’t been capable of successfully doing both. I didn’t realize this until YEARS of trial and error and trying to force it.

I spent most of my upbringing in private school with a bunch  very privileged people. I grew up around a upper middle class society / community. However  I was never a upperclassman. I got to attend private school because my mom worked at the school, not because she could actually afford tuition. Unfortunately not growing up around my family’s actual tax bracket was both a very negative and very positive experience. Based on my moms pay I should have been raised in the projects or ghetto. She REFUSED. We always lived in nice suburban areas that were safe and pretty. However we didn’t have consistent food. We played sports and did cheerleading - but only up until the debt my mom owed for  not actually paying our sports fees I had to stop. We constantly lived by candlelight as our lights basically stayed off more than half the time. It was like living in a 3rd world country but on 1st world soil and dreams. My mom wanted a good abundant life but at the cost of going into debt and becoming impoverished due to ignorance and a lack of emotional stability.

Growing up I hated my mother about 90% of the time but she was all I had. My dad was the most evil person I knew at the time since he was so violent and abusive but for some reason  the hate I used to have was mostly pity.. My mom, however I didn’t had sympathy for her until I was an adult because I never felt loved by her. She was/is abusive in her own ways, but I reminded her of my father who used to beat on her and sexually violate her . So when I was older I was able  to forgive her and be compassionate about her pain as well, however the worst of those events took place over 20 years ago so for my parents to STILL be acting out in toxic and abusive ways is fully unacceptable but at this point all the trauma they both have been through has just developed into various mental illnesses since their trauma has been left untreated.

I  have always wanted my parents normal parents- to accept me, to love me, but they never have. I have made peace with that. It has made me a very strong person and a person who can really be proud of loving me even when I dont like me; truly in love with myself. I had to be my biggest cheerleader and biggest critic to keep balance but because of these unique struggles I have a resilience and a self love  that the average person will never fully understand. I had to learn to not only heal and forgive but also parent myself and love myself in all the ways my family couldn’t.

I learned that it is not your parents responsibility to love you. HOPEFULLY they do, but when your family is toxic or worse Narcissistic/Codependent- there is usually no hope for them to change especially without therapy. So as a teen I had nothing but seething hatred  for my parents, for bringing me into this world, I never asked to be in, and then not only never loving me the way I needed, but flat out physically, emotionally and mentally abusing me at any chance or for any reason.

My life was hell on earth I was nothing but a slave to my parents and never were fair or loving masters. I thought I was free when I left to live on my own at 17 but falsely so. It wasn’t until this year I realized that my entire life thus far ,I have always… just been a slave. First to my parents oppression and then when I got away from them I just became a slave to the rat race and Capitalism. I never thought it was that big of a deal until I started learning about finances only 2 years ago. Everything I had ever been told about money had been a lie and I had to come face to face with the fact I had horrible money habits- or what a old friend would say “horriBad”.

Aside from the abusive aspect of my adolescence, The money aspect meant more to me because even away from my folks those bad money habits I got from them I carried with me for years. And my parents were pretty evil to me usually due to stress over finances so most of my life was pretending that finances weren’t that big of a deal when in reality  a lack of financial knowledge essentially was the reason why my parents were shitty parents and chronically depressed and angry people.


I watched my mom fully embrace the manta “Keep up with the Jones’ ” to our entire family’s detriment. I watched her, a single mother of 3 daughters, endlessly spend money she never had. Renting out large townhomes and cars to “keep up” with the wealthy middle class community (At Church) She CONSTANTLY wanted to live in a HOUSE, never wanted to rent a affordable apartment. I remember we had this beautiful townhouse in Marietta, but no furniture for the entire time we lived there. Most of my life as a child I never even had a bed growing up, Food was not even a daily commodity, and from that I think started my eating disorder issues (binge eating). My relationship with my mother was extremely sour because I never understood why a mother would mismanage her finances to such a  point, that her family/daughters were not even eating a full meal everyday, just because she wanted to pretend she had a level of wealth she didn’t. I remember her having only $60 left of her check and she spent it on a pair of leather boots because she “caught a sale” they were 50$ and she used to last 10$ to get my baby sister some mcdonalds this memory has never left because it made such an impact on my life

She asked me if I wanted to come with her and me,  ALWAYS up for adventure jumped up at the chance to just have me and mom time and hopefully so mcdonalds- as I was asking her since she got me from school.

So I go and she out here buying shoes while we don’t even have instant ramen noodles at the house. I asked her if I could have McDonalds and have told me that we may stop buy.

What she didn’t tell me was she only had intentions to get the baby sister, mcdonalds and not give me anything. We got back home and she gave my baby sis the food and then told her if she shared the food with either me or our other sister she would get a beating…

This is just ONE example to the massive toxicity and dysfunctionality of my experiences with my mother and parents in general.

But the focus here, aside from that, is the mismanagement of finances, currency and money. Before I was even consciously aware of it I too adapted those same shitty spending habits because I was a self defeatist. I didn’t believe I was ever enough  and my home life with my parents and my finances and financial habits echoed that belief. And Then my weight, then my appetite, then my love life...causing me to repeat my parents mistakes, dating a narcissist having a baby by a narcissist and ending up a battered woman “trapped” in an abusive relationship.

But I refused to be trapped , so I tried to run (From him) but logically didn’t see how I could with a baby with me- so when he retaliated by pretended to be cool with our break up and offered to help by sending our baby to his mother until I got on my feet- I believed him and agreed because I mean that was the “logical” thing to do- and then his true intentions were revealed when his flight left and I never heard from him again until 19 months later when I caught up with him and we finally went to  court.

Suffering from parental alienation is the worse pain and torture and should be an immediate jailed crime.But Amerikkka doesn’t care if your child  has been kidnapped, they dont care if your child is a victim of sex trafficking because America and their leaders benefit from these atrocities. On the news people are so disgusted by immigrant children being separated from their parents at the border but have no concern whatsoever to taken children within its own gates. Not to mention the Pizza Gate Scandal NO ONE is discussing.

But my experience with parental alienation it taught me life transforming lessons that I will always be grateful for because When I was separated from my daughter it was the most painful but also best thing I had ever gone through. The hard part was that  I missed over a year of her life I can never get back. Every waking moment I was a living dead person. I was heartless full or anger, rage and unfathomable pain , emotional and hormonal- my hormones actually didn’t balance out until I got reunited with her (smdh). The emotional pain I was in destroyed my body’s usual godlike functions, suddenly I couldn’t stay up late anymore without paying for it dearly the next morning. Suddenly my hair was falling out, and I was highly depressed and would have constant emotional breakdowns every week, Self love was the LAST thing I wanted to focus on because the only reason I didn’t have my daughter back was because I was broke!

But over time I realized  was really 3 reasons:

  1. I was Codependent

  2. I had chronic financial ignorance and

  3. I was a chronic negative thinker


And ALL 3 of those were the ROOT reasons was I was broke!

If I had cultivated financial stability, he could run off with my daughter but I would be able to fly to his location. When he kept moving her back and forth from LA to GA so I wouldn’t catch up with him, it wouldn’t have destroyed me financially. When I didn’t know where she was I could have hired a investigator- but because I was broke in THIS WORLD- I had nothing.

The courts showed no mercy or compassion, the police showed no mercy or compassion they only wanted to see the money and I had NONE. So the best thing that came out of losing my daughter, was that it made me wake up to how important not just financial literacy was but also how serious it was in this world. Here in America we like to pretend that nothing important is really that  important.

My whole life I would say money “wasn’t everything” or “didn’t matter” and it bit out a chunk of my ass. Money matters.

Money is actually life or death level important in this world. ESPECIALLY if you are poor because then you are vulnerable to all kinds of forms of oppression, slavery and mistreatment because although it’s “morally wrong” you literally don’t have the power (economically) to do shit about unjust behaviour if your broke!

The dark underbelly of this world is the poor are preyed upon and enslaved. In America many of us are either poor slaves, broke slaves or glamorous slaves. But a Slave is a slave and Im over being ANY sort of Slave ever again.

Literally it all DOES begin with Self Love because if love yourself and act like you do there is just certain things people that love themselves don’t do and self sabotage is one of those things. As a ex co dependent I realized that if I loved myself forreal I would simply ACT LIKE IT. And through my actions it would be shown that I did love myself because I was RESPONSIBLE to myself. Being responsible is an act of self love. I was never fully financially responsible for myself because I had parents, then I had roommates then I had a fiance. I only had 1 time in my life I had my own place and I was so ungrateful for it because I didn’t realize how important it was smh or how  immature my thinking was at the time. Then you take in account the current economy (for a poor person) then next thing you know you’re SUPER PO (So poor you cant even afford the “O R“ in POOR!)

Too many people let and judge others going through unforeseen hardship and judge not realizing their own positions of privilege they have. I had to wake up and to be honest, we ALL do. More than 60% of us are living paycheck to paycheck. Most American do not even have a passport. Most of these “wealthy” looking people are nothing more than a Glamourous Slaves in real life. Everything is paid in credit  and the next thing they know they are in debt. The poor is in debt the “rich” are in debt everyone is “broke”,overworked and underpaid and instead of focusing on solutions to save us all, we focus our FEELINGS about race, sex, religion and love and on being entertained because we are too  stressed out and sick to actually focus on solving our chronic financial issues.

The solution for my healing that financial wound in my life, was to be realistic about my finances and not think or behave like an American but to behave like a Immigrant- living your life in comparison to THE WORLD- which , yes you are apart of!  

How are people across the world making way less than the average American is yet saving waaaaay more??

By working together, and having great money habits AS A COLLECTIVE. That is what families are for, but if you’re like me and your family is too toxic to ever work together for financial abundance and stability you may have to go at it alone! What can you really do?  

Work together With like minded, reliable and trustworthy friends with similar financial goals.


None of those things are EASY by American standards, but if most of your problems in life are related to financial distress or hardship, please understand that a LACK of money may be the root of all evil in your life. For my mental health to be optimal I CANNOT be poor.

So Abundance and Wealth are my top priorities because when I die what will my daughter have? How will she survive with no financial support? Will she go into debt burying me? Or AT LEAST will she have the right money mindset?

Too many of us are just ONE generation away from not even having a bloodline anymore after that.And that is tragic. Too many people are ending their lives or losing their lives due to poverty and lack. For me when I changed my negative thinking and took responsibility for my life, I had pain of accepting my financial and college failures but that’s also how I got the power to change it. Things financially are not where I want them to be but I always have more than what I need and when I need money it is given to me in creative and random ways.

Effortlessly.

I guess thats what facing your shit and healing does, especially as a woman, makes you embrace the Creator/Receiving Energy Source that you are. Money and currency is a vibration that you can tap into even before you master calling it to you actively (ie via working a job or having a sugar daddy lol) there has been guided meditations I have done and later THAT SAME DAY I randomly have money given to me! I have done this repetitively  and it works.

But it’s just the beginning, combine that kind of faith and mental power with active work ethic energy would make one unstoppable financially.

As I learn to Master these practices more and more I realize Abundance and Wealth is more about the Lifestyle / daily practice than the title itself. You can own nothing, but have EVERYTHING,  if you have the right mindset. Everything I love is free. My daughter, the Ocean, my mentors and my friends none of these things cost me anything and when I one day have my own land and grown mangoes and passionfruit in my yard, those will be free too!

Abundance is a a way of Life. It’s a mindset and if you're feeling stuck it's probably because your being taught a lesson as well.

Starting life all over from ground Zero at 28 years old was NEVER apart of my life plan however this time I am not scared. Because I learned the hardest lesson of all.Finally  Overcoming Fear Itself, and my negative mindset and the real key to Life: Self Love. Daily as a practice.

Ase.

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