Awakening Download...
On the road running away from Los Angeles I was in a dazed confused state. All I could think about was how I had been betrayed. All I could think about was my pain, and my heartbreak. I had lost everything...my relationship, my home, my education, even my child. My horoscope told me to not be a victim. But at the time I couldn't see how I wasn't one! I didn't start or instigate the fight! I didn't do anything to deserve this! I DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS!!
But... here I was, going through it.
I'm a good person, I do good things for others, I pay my taxes, I give to the homeless every now and again... All I do is think about other people! Why is this happening to me!?
Why does this keep happening to me!!?
I didn't ask to be abused by my lover, father or mother- yet I was. I didn't ask for never having a stable home yet I never did. What am I doing wrong ? I am doing something wrong!
Now, I have many non spiritual yet religious acquaintances who have the best intentions, but they coddle me. They feel sorry for me and let me be a sad, innocent, victim. They hold me when I cry and tell me they love me. Tell me God has a plan and it all is happening for a reason- that- I do know for sure. However, feeling sorry for myself won't change things. Crying over my losses, a great as that physical release may be- will not change things.
When my Other friends comfort me, they feel my pain and they too, are encouraging but they always help me dig deeper within myself. They always remind me I'm on a spiritual journey, they remind me in every pain there is a LESSON. I'm 26 and I have struggled hard times and losses since I was 14. Most of my life in the past- consisted of mediocrity with sprinkles of temporary happiness. If I wasn't enough-then I needed something.
But I guess That falls back on the whole not being enough- complex.
In my past mind.. I was never enough.
The echoes of my parents thoughts of me rung in my ears for too long.
I was dumb, I was a bitch, a stupid girl, ugly, fake, too loud, too MUCH.
"What was wrong with you? " they would always say to me.
I was a difficult child because I asked alot of questions.
I was a difficult child because I decided not to be silent to them about how they were treating me.
I was called disrespectful because I didn't passively let them abuse me and disrespect my life as a human being.
Not without a fight at least.
I had always been a fighter. I have always been a student. I have always wanted to learn more, do more, be more; Because at that point I was never enough. So like a child, I thought if I became "Enough" I would finally belong.
I could be a regular person. I could graduate high school, go to college and finally graduate. Work in my field, get married, have children, travel, have vacations, a mortgage and a dog like "everyone else" . Take gorgeous photos and post my beautiful life all over Facebook and Instagram. Be proud of all my material posessions. I had a hard life and I deserve a happy ending...I deserve to have something to prove;
But,
I have to lose weight first,
I have to eat right first.
I have to have $600k first.
I have to get out of debt first.
I have to have a car first.
I have to move out of town first.
I have to do this and I have to that, first.
I have to get better first-
I have to be enough first.
So I spent my life... studying life. Religion, politics and culture. Philosophy, nature, science, finance and language. I loved it. I studied psychology of course as well, all since I was 14. But even then I wasn't "enough". I can be an excellent conversationalist, but I also sometimes unintentionally make people feel inferior because they literally cannot comprehend what I am talking about. It especially hasn't helped with dating. Men deny that they hate smart women but they only love women dumb enough to be controlled by them.
They want a woman to be smart enough with "knowledge" like cleaning or finling taxes or sucking a mean dick, but not smart enough to let him know when he is making a horrible mistake and leading her and himself into ruin.
But then on the other hand if I'm dumb, and keep my mouth shut I am boring and "just like everyone else". The paradox is laughable! But over the next few days I was up day and night in torment and depressed thinking over my entire life up until this point. '
I was suicidual and was having a breakdown when the bus I was travelling on, had made a stop. During this stop I passed a situation with a homeless man getting caught for smoking crack in the bathroom at the station. I passed more homeless people and I had a realization.Here I was, able bodied, not having a drug addiction- high lowkey thinking I was better than "they" were but was I?
Sure I may have smelt "better" , had "better" clothes , and money for "better" food, but we both were homeless people.
And come to think of it I was the one depressed and wanting to take my own life; they were chillin and just trying to enjoy a piece of life. Crack is expensive. What did he do to get the money for it? It meant more to him than new clothes or even food or saving for a place to live?
L I V E.
In my head I thought I was better, when we were the exact same. Matter of fact that homeless man was better than me!
Yes! The homeless man smoking crack in the bathroom at a greyhound station was tremendously "better" than me
BECAUSE HE HAD THE WILL TO LIVE!
He didn't want to kill himself (as far as I knew), but I did! He had it way worse than I did, but He shamelessly was LIVING HIS LIFE.
What kind of thoughts or experiences was so bad for me that I, an artist, a MOTHER, a 20 something, child of God, was so destroyed by that I wanted to end my life?
Over some deadbeat nigga?
Over a job?
Over dropping out of school?
Over being unhappy about my weight?
None of those things are that serious to want to kill yourself over.
Those "crazy" people you judge and scoff at are living and aren't even phased by your mental commentary.
They aren't the ones trying to kill themsleves they are SURVIVING! And there is nothing wrong with that.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG, EVIL OR BAD WITH DOING WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO SURVIVE. PERIOD.
Absolutely nothing.
SURVIVING is the most important thing and it doesn't matter how you do it. You just gotta do it!
Me and the people of my generation I have noticed are extremely sensitive. Sometimes the smallest things cut us so deeply. And that is happening because we are biologically being forced to wake up. However waking up and living in this daily matrix rat race, that is our current society, isn't compatible with us being Awake or highly creative and intuitive. Think about it, the rates of suicide has been stronger and stronger and unfortunately I have a feeling its going to keep increasing drastically... But the point is,
If you are so much better- so much more smart, educated, privileged, or physically perfect-
Why do you hate yourself? Why do you want to kill yourself?
End your precious, beautiful, sacred life?
There are homeless men with way less than you have ever imagined willing to live another day...
There are people on the street sucking dick just for $10 just to eat off of the Dollar menu for another day.
And they have more guts, courage, and strength THAN YOU -to keep fighting for survival.
They don't have the clothes, the phone, the computer, the job NOTHING you have- too many of us are blind to our own privileges just being an American Citizen- Yet here we are, sick and chronically depressed, wanting to end our lives because someone hurt us.
Someone did this; So I'm gonna do that-
Like-
When are we going to wake the fuck up?
I looked at myself in the mirror and literally slapped the shit out of Myself.
I looked at me right in the eyes and said,
" BITCH! You have all these skills and talents you aren't using, you aren't showing the world... you have so much to live for and to do and all because your weak disney princess minded ass -IS FEELING SAD you want to end it all?!?"
I had to really think-
Niggas out here sucking dick for cheeseburgers and homeless and happily smoking crack out here giving no fucks what someone thinks- and you not only want to judge them but you think you're better than them- yet YOU the one suicidual!!??
THEY LIVING! You can say what you want but at the end of the day- spiritually and creatively you know your sensitivity and empathy is a GIFT! Don't let this backwards ass capitialistic world have your getting the game twisted!!
ALL LIFE IS SACRED. ALL LIFE.
NO ONE IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER.THIS WORLD WILL MAKE YOU THINK YOU ARE WORTHLESS IF YOU DON'T HAVE THIS OR THAT, IF YOU'RE POOR OR UNEDUCATED OR HOMELESS.
This world is built to make you value money and materialism over actual living things-
like people! Like YOURSELF!
Parents abuse and sell their own children- FOR MONEY
Soul mates end a beautiful divine connection- OVER MONEY.
Think about this shit... it's backwards as fuck!
AND THINKING THIS WAY IS TAKING OUR LIVES!
We wonder why we are so unhappy... so unfulfilled...rich or poor doesn't matter we all want out- we all are unhappy over some false programming and believing some superficial bullshit. It's like The Matrix, when Neo wakes up and a machine comes and flushes him. To the Machine you are WORTHLESS IF IT CAN'T USE YOU. The Machine can't suck out your life energy if you are Awake.
You will always be made to feel WORTHLESS - by THOSE WHO WISH TO USE YOU- when you finally cut them off from using you. PERIOD.
If my ex didn't hit me I would have never had this level of awakening. And I am grateful for the lessons so I could share this realization.
Nothing in the world is more beautiful and perfect than you are RIGHT NOW.
You know you have always felt like you were meant for more,
You are literally a child of the Universe...So tell me,
Why aren't you acting like it?