When my ex killed me…

My ex killed me.

It was April 18th 2017

The last thing I remember seeing of my past life, was me struggling for air as he was on top of me and holding my face down on our bed. Our baby girl was sleeping but woke up just as I had found some strength to try to keep fighting for my life… I almost snapped my neck trying to just turn my head to the side for air. Here I was The Warrior, pinned down and surrendering to Death, because I refused to be like my parents. I refused to be in an abusive home. I refused to fight my Love because if I really had to fight him, I would have just slit his neck and ended his pathetic life and my daughter wouldn’t ever know who her father was. “Oh!” I thought, my daughter…I opened eyes and I saw her looking at me…when our eyes met, she started screaming crying. She didn’t have any idea what was happening in front of her. But she knew exactly what was happening in front of her. I thought my heart was broken when the love of my life literally tried to kill me- but seeing her see all of that broke me. I would have drowned in my own tears had I not gotten so angry and emotionally triggered to survive just to never let her see shit like this again. Her screaming broke him out of his trance and I guess he started to be aware of what was happening? I don’t know but even in the moments after he wasn’t even SLIGHTLY remorseful. I just looked at the date and time and it’s June 18th , What kind of sick twist of fate is this? Smh.

It’s been exactly 2 months today- he still isn’t remorseful and sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I escaped with my baby and slept in a motel for about a week right next to a woman being beaten and sexually assaulted right behind our bedroom. I was homeless on the streets ofLA with a 9 month old baby. I was attending cosmetology school and making new friends and my life seemed like it was finally coming together but within 5 days I was homeless, had to quit school and look for a job all while having a baby with me. He cut off my phone- but I guess since it’s in his name its really his phone I just use… I got a sim card that worked for 12 hrs before the company blocked all service. I got a burner phone with what little bit of money I could get out of our joint account – that I found out her had been smuggling money out of on a weekly basis and then complaining that I we didn’t have any money- when he spent the few grand he had saved up for a brand new iMac and an iPad pro. Yeah his job provides all of that stuff but why not have all of that at home too?

We were supposed to be moving into a new apartment in 4 weeks and instead of looking for a new place at all. He made me do it when he knows it gives me anxiety. Then to make it worse he doesn’t like any place I pick.  It’s LOS ANGELES, it’s expensive. We live in roach infested, lead filled apartment with a newborn and I have been asking him about the place since we were supposed to move LAST YEAR.

“I’ll handle it, babe.”

“I’ll take care of it, babe.”

That was always his response and when I was insecure and pregnant the lines worked fine. But After I had the baby and woke up, I realized they were just lies. They always have been.

Just like when I found out his ex-roommate was actually his ex-girlfriend that he had been living with the past 2 years. But quickly kicked her to the curb and moved me into his place not even 2 weeks before she left HER apartment – all with expectations of returning, Only to get a phone call from him, telling her, not to come back.

I, of course find this out after I have his baby and after we had been together a year and a half.

Yet, to this day her mail probably still comes to the apartment… that apartment..

Roaches and rats still come into the apartment…

He had me living in horrible ass conditions and emotionally abused me daily because without him he thinks I am just worthless, He knows I have no family, no support system, no one I can trust… I was the perfect victim.

The entire time I thought I was helping him, healing him, bringing love, and joy into his life… I cleaned that shitty house, and cooked him bomb ass homemade food, I brought everything we needed to make that shitty place a home. Our home, my first “home”, only to find out that he not only has me and our new baby in another bitch’s house, but that our entire relationship as built on lies. Being pregnant was my biggest fear and he took full advantage of that and easily emotionally abused me to the point of being suicidal…I endured this my entire pregnancy.

#ItsNotPostPartumItsYourBabyDaddyIsAJackAss

For 10 months, I ignored the red flags, the snarky backhanded remarks, the emotional and sexual disinterest, the rude and mean behavior the convenient and constant excuses.

 “Oh, I’m sorry babe I forgot.”

I took care of this nigga for 1 year and change, and got completely disrespected the entire time. We were engaged; we had rings and were picking out dates to go to the courthouse and then things got “stressful”.

Or should I say the mask he was wearing started to crack.

He never loved me, the entire relationship was his way of getting revenge on me for a telling him he “wasnt my type“ 6 years ago in college- he sought me out, worked love and sex magick on me for YEARS all to HUMBLE ME, all to “ruin me“.

This scheme wasn’t an accident, but an intentional PLOT on my life years in the making and I fell for it…

His chronic weakmindedness and victimizing personality started to show up. He started staying out late getting completely wasted until 3 and 4 in the morning attending P. Diddy parties and cosplaying as a hollywood celebrity- He wasn’t some “chill hippie“, he was a jealous, envious woman hating gay nigga from Trinidad and Maryland whose visa is expired.

He would forget to just text me to let me know. Every single time though, of course. He would makes dates with me and cancel them. He would constantly gaslight me, and stonewall me- and for months I didn’t even know what that was, until I was literally becoming crazy from the way I was being treated and had to start seeing a therapist for my own sanity.

(I promise you therapy can save lives- PLEASE GO!)

I talked to him about it I told him he needed to go or we weren’t going to work. He agreed to go- he never did, of course. But he did make up an excuse…every single time.

By March, upon hearing the truth about his ex-girlfriend whose home we lived in- I knew we were over. I didn’t even mention to her that he was emotionally abusing me- but she mentioned to me how he was treating her and emotionally abusing her… I knew then that my Love didn’t have a problem- he wasn’t some poor sad victim of a bad situation. He was the cause, the was the offender. He is a master manipulator and knew exactly what he was doing and the issue was I am not an “ easy to control type” of bitch, but that was teh ONLY side of him he ever saw of me… he thought after years of stalking my facebook accounts and “studying me“ he thought he came up with THE PERFECT scheme to destroy me.

So He was starting to actually feel something in that hollowed out heart of his because controlling me was proving to me more and more difficult/confusing/frustrating for him. When I gave up on our relationship, in April & I starting believing in myself again, my intuition I had been IGNORING the past 10 months started to come back stronger than ever. I could see the game he was playing and all of his petty maneuvers, so I started just observing.

He always complained about everything I did and what I wore, to how I spoke to how I laughed. I was curious so I decided to try things 100% “his way” I decided I will do whatever he wants for two weeks-no questions asked-

But when I did he still complained and berated me. When I did my own thing, it was the same outcome. I literally ran this guy baths to candle light, with music dinner, a massage and he still complained and constantly told me nothing I did was enough. But It was at that moment, I realized all the depression I was going through and suicidal thoughts I was having during my pregnancy wasn’t because I really felt I was lacking, honestly on the outside my life was perfect-ish- FINALLY- everything except for my fiancé/boyfriend who I called my partner- but because of my “Partner” I wanted to end my life because I opened myself up for him to project all of his insecurities on me and then gaslight me into thinking it was how I felt about myself.

I have never been so psychologically manipulated so thoroughly. And As someone who has overcome all kinds of abuse as a CHILD- I would have never fell for his game if I didn’t get weak and scared of being a mother and shared with him my fears-because all he did was exploit them and use that to slowly and thoroughly try to control me and it worked- until I was no longer pregnant and until I no longer was scared of being a single mother. He introduced me to the world of emotional vampires. I was nothing but a ripe passionfruit of boundless life force energy for his parasitic ass to feed off of until literally there was nothing left.

Or so he thought. lol

But then, I woke up. I cut off his supply. I told him we have to B A L A N C E.

I told him it was give and take-and instead of learning to give, instead of wanting to grow for the better, for our family, or for our relationship, he took off his cracked angelic mask-and really showed me how demonic his true nature really was. He showed me how selfish he really was, how cruel… he showed me how he really felt about me being a stay at home mother- regardless of the fact I was in school fulltime. He told me how he just doesn’t me or the baby and that he wouldn’t die for either of us because he weren’t “worth it”. He asked me “Why would I listen to you when you don’t even have your own life together?”

He told me right before he attacked me, screaming at the top of his lungs. “WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE!?! YOU ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING- YOU ARE SUCH A WASTE OF SPACE! WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE?! YOUR LIFE IS POINTLESS! YOU REALLY NEED TO JUST KILL YOURSELF! KILL YOURSELF DEVA!!”

Whenever I think of him I hear him screaming this at me…

“JUST KILL YOURSELF DEVA! JUST KILL YOURSELF!!!“

As someone who as battled depression and suicide for so long… hearing someone you love say something so ..evil-so hurtful…really could  really… really destroy you.

But I guess that is the gift of the Pisces Moon- when you finally get to that point of believing in yourself and trusting the will of Source/God over your life you can tell the difference between your own bullshit and the stench of someone else’s…

and thats when I realized… I don’t want to kill myself at all- HE WANTS me to kill myself…

To this day I don’t know what he was going through to snap and lose it- all I did was ask him to get baby formula or give me money to run to the store and he LOST IT. He said the issue was money but he had STACKS in his account…

 He didn’t want to go the therapy and get the help he needs, he didn’t want to talk to his parents for counsel or advice, he didn’t want to read a book on it and figure it out, he didn’t even want to think of how to solve his problem… He just wanted to smoke it all away like he has been doing since 16… but now at 32 he is completely incapable of dealing with any emotionally engaging situations no matter how minor.

I loved him though. I loved him so much and with everything I had.

I wasn’t flawless, but I definitely was the epitome of the perfect Lover, partner and friend. I was physical, emotional, mental and spiritual sustenance all in one cute package…

But when he looked me in my eyes and told me to kill myself, even after all the work I do daily for him… I basically lived to serve on him and bring him joy like a muse- I am the one who got him to even start making the kind of money he is now- to look me in my face after I literally got cut apart and ripped open to birth our baby, and have the stretch marks and scar to prove it- to look me in my face and tell me to take my life because -

NOW, as a mother, had no purpose… I realized that if he ever loved me at any point… he would have never said anything like that to me.

I realized then not only did he not love me, but he didn’t even love himself.

A man who doesn’t even love himself or even his own child- doesn’t deserve the chance to experience my Love. Because unlike him- I am all I got, and I do love myself- very fucking much actually- and the moment he said it I knew-

I knew that he wasn’t It.

I knew I didn’t love him anymore.

Not because I didn’t want to- but because he doesn’t deserve me.

But only a bitch who loves herself- is strong enough to realize that.

But it ain’t easy. I have nothing now but myself but I am learning that is all I need. Besides my ancestors walk with me… I am far from alone, and far from unlovable, but for a bitch nigga who doesn’t even love himself to ever think he could “humble me“ has another thing coming thats for sure lol

So what am I doing now?

I’m “between” homes (WTF is that? I’m homeless-) working humiliating ass jobs being mistreated at work by bosses and coworkers and being severely underpaid…

So I am focusing on getting back into my writing, my art, my poetry, my Zen. Getting back into anime. Getting back into my magic. Staying with my healing, prayer, and rootwork. Getting back into dancing, singing, helping others discover self-love and to know themselves. Casting astrology charts and doing tarot readings for clients, having SOUL connections drawing again. Maybe I’ll explore another career path… Maybe I will just give it all up and be a monk, Ketu IS in my 1st house *sobs* tis fate.

My child is not with me- but she is SAFE- that’s best for her for now, but it isn’t easy- I don’t post pictures of her anymore because I usually fall apart when I see her face and I re-live everything that has happened when I see her. So she is a trigger/hopefully that will go away… ANYWAY don’t ask me about her, don’t bring her up unless I do- if you are concerned Pray for a nigga.

I have accepted that I probably will never have a home (I blame Pluto in Scorpio in my 4th *side eyes Universe*)- and I have decided to just work weird crazy jobs to move around the world-I have a passport- I just need to work to save up for a trip…I want to go to Asia-Thailand. When I had a family… “we” planned on being like The Bucket List Family (google them, literally #lifegoals )

But since I don’t have a family anymore, I guess I will just travel the world by myself.

I don’t know, it all was extremely painful and many times I did want to kill myself but I have a daughter to live for and a world to explore. Yeah… I have myself to live for too.

I literally have lost EVERYTHING and have been living out of one suitcase the past few months but it is cool, I have been on some sort of spiritual quest since 2008- I have stopped being lowkey about it since 2015. I guess it’s time to start going to ashrams and shit. Make sure my kundalini hasn’t awakened already, find a guru in India. Go meditate in the Himalayas.. . But it’s definitely about that time to have some interesting experiences and cool stories to tell my daughter about when I see her again.

My ex killed me... He killed the Libra in me but it's okay,

He killed the basic bitch, the people pleaser, he killed the naive diva princess who wanted a knight in shining armor to save her, he killed all the lies of my past and unbeknownst to both of us-

I came back to life.

I am a Scorpio now…and now that I am reborn and I am going to make my new life very different from my past one. but in typical Scorpio fashion, revenge… delicious sweet revenge is definitely on my mind.

Stay sucka free !