Just Bee
12:12am
Just Bee, life is sweet when you can fly
You want to reach Heaven
But first you have to die
but what they don't tell you is- you can master death while Alive.
-DEVA DIOSA
Lessons from Summer...
Like fireworks on the 4th of the July- I expected my life to be lit.. Since This year started (March 20) This year so far just has been full of disappointments, betrayal, heartbreak, heartache, depression, and chronic fatigue... The Universe/God- made sure I was stripped of everything before Aries Season. It started out with me finding out my then fiance had lied to me about our entire relationship.... we made our baby in his ex girlfriends place, same furniture... I was going to therapy and coming up with a escape plan, I don't know maybe he found out... before I was able to move out but before I could have things lined up I was almost choked to death in front of my 6 month old.... Then I lost everything, even her.
I put my trust in demons and evil entities veiled as human beings. People who call themselves "Family" people who told me they loved me, people that told me they loved my daughter... when they love nothing but drugs, alcohol and money.... truely soul less people. and I was tricked into giving my daughter to them was to help her and me- only to find out it was all a plot from the very beginning to try to get her taking away from me indefinately.
T is going around telling lies about me- slandering my name to anyone with an ear- yet what grown ass man is really a victim? How are you ALWAYS the victim? I thought grown men were just that- grown, mature, adult. Yet he is weakminded, vidictive, manipultive, narcisstic with no empathy or consciousness...It would be hurtful but I never gave a fuck about a effeminate man.
Unfortunately I have a child with this pos- maybe he thinks he can stay gay on the downlow if he has the excuse of having a child? but then again he sent the baby away so he can pretend he doesn't have one... easier for his lifestyle or coke habit? He is just keeping her away from me out of pure spite... how weak are you to hate someone for finding out the matrix code to your lies? Not my fault your'e an idiot... it's yours. Telling his entire family lies about me..and even has them withholding my own child away from me-as if I am the problem... He is using his our daughter as a pawn to his hatred towards me... he doesn't care about her at all but the amazing thing is he can do it! Well until My attorney finds him lol
I have talked to police, lawyers and attorneys in 3 different states about getting her back with me none of them will help me unless I give them money- of course.
But luckily for my ex he made sure I was financiallly dependant on him and was kicked out on the street with nothing.
A woman is easier to manipulate if she has not resources, no family, no money. Everytime I went to look for work he would complain and complain until I stopped bothering, He would give me all the money I needed or wanted until trust was built and them started to take it away-
When I say I left that relationship with ONLY MY LIFE. I did. I was penniless, childless and without even a roof over my head. Giving him plently of time to keep my child hostage during this battle. What he doesn't know is everything he and his family is doing is actually illegal and they will be looking at jail time and since the courts have to be involved they are is huge trouble lol Talk about Karma.
I spent all Spring wondering why he would do this to me... why he wouldn't talk to me- why his mom wouldn't send me pictures of my daughter- why I was being shut out? I drove myself into the hospital from the stress...from the suicidal thoughts he took my child away from me.. told me to kill myself... like how can someone be so evil especially unwarranted?
I reached out for help and no one heard my screams...just like when I was giving birth and called out to him and he thought it as funny- still tells people about it like a joke you tell over Chrstmas dinner. How is humilating me funny? How is disrespecting the mother of your child- who has done you no wrong- funny? People would donate money for boob jobs and late night taco bell but not to a mother in need to find her own child... I had people try to shame me and tell me I was lying - why would I??
I will never understand the mind of the Weak... finding humor in the Strong being vulnerable.... because unbeknowst to them, being weak and being vulnerable are two very different things.
Summer was spent accepting that maybe the person I was with wasn't a victim or "having a hard time" or just "has a mental illness" or "mental disorder" but accepting that his behaviour was and is evil as fuck- PERIOD. I don't need to justify it or make it make sense. I don't need to understand the inner mind of a psychopath. I don't need to know why a monster acts like a monster, I don't need to know why a narcissit has no empathy or soul. I don't need to evaluate what truama happend to him as a child and impacted his life- his decisions are his decisions, and mine decisions are mine.
By summer I accepted that my only mistake was being naive and loving a monster, as a healer I take it extra personal when I encounter someone I can't heal- or moreso someone who refuses to heal themselves. It hurts me to see someone else hurting themselves, especially unnecessarily or over a fairly remedy.
Acceptance.
I had to accept everything I was told was a lie, I had to accept my entire relationship was based on lies, drugs escapsim and self hate. I had to accept that I reproduced with a monster. I had to accept that I didn't know this person at all. All I knew was nothing more than an illusion. I also accepted that it was never based on love. Love is NOT hurtful or abusive, it doesn't berate you, beat you, gaslight you, or ignore you.. Stonewalling- T's speciality- was very incidious and mentally and psychologically debilitating- during and after our fake-lationship... It literally almost killed me, but it also saved me.
No one who loves you will be able to just ignore you like you don't matter. Love makes you want to work things out and go back to loving each other. No one who loves you will really sit and make fun of you and try to humiliate you. No one who loves you would lie on you to save themselves from a lecture from THEIR MOM! LOL Especially not a grown ass man. No one who loves you will blame everything on you. Someone who loves you, won't disrepect you, lie to you or try to kill you... Someone who loves you also would never keep you away from your own baby, or tell you to kill yourself..
By the end of Summer I had finally accepted that whatever relationship I had with Satan wasn't love. The enitre tiime I endured this, I thought I was learning "long suffering" - that is a lie and a myth. Abuse is abuse and love is love. that's it. I don't want toxic love I want.. wanted real love and I found it in Nature and Myself. I learned how to live with a hole in my chest where I used to have a heart.. I thought it was gone forever but it's been growing back stronger than ever I would say I have cold heart but it's not cold but it is shiney af- Straight Diamond upgrades all over.
I thought I lost myself and I did, but I found The Best verison of myself.
My ex is a piece of shit but I am so greatful for what he did to me... I am grateful for all his petty evil ways, I am grateful he showed me his true self and I am grateful he took my daughter away- because by doing what he did... if you read my other blog post "My Ex Killed Me" he literally did kill me... he killed everything I believed in, every lie and every illusion I believed about love and he took away the only thing that mattered to me- my daughter Pharaoh.
Because of that, I had to survive and get through and manifest a different reality. I have never been stronger, I have never had more power, I have never loved myself more, I have never been so empowered in my life. I have never been so confident and so sure of my destiny. It is a godlike feeling...But 99% of people will not have my mindset when faced with Hell, with walking through, or camping out in it. But it will change your life once you get to the Other Side. I was always his dream girl, but now I am The Dream Girl and he can never have me or ever hurt me, and he is the one that has to live with that - lol But he was so busy trying ot hurt me he was really doing me a favor without knowing... So Thanks, you made me Stronger... lol I hope one day you are ready to face me though- I almost feel sorry for you.
By Autumn, I have been surrounded by Love like honey, sticky and sweet. I have actual best friends, spiritual bitches who wouldn't hesitate to throw a heaux in a jar lol The spiritual prosperity has been PHENOMENAL this year, but since I have been dead most of this year- it makes sense, when you die you go into the spirit realm. The bottom of the Ocean has been my home for the past few months while I have been getting healing done. But it's Libra season now and time for my rebirth next week. My Chakra is ready to stunt.
but in the meantime I'm just gonna chill with the Vibes and my Spirit Family.. So much gratitude and in the meantime I'ma just BEE, honey.
Just Bee, life is sweet when you can fly
You want to reach Heaven
But first you have to die
but what they don't tell you is- you can master death while Alive.
2:52am